I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
