Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
