I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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