What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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