I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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