That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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