first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize