he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
