Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
