it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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