if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
