forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I would fuck him just for his dog
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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