Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What drink are we having for lunch?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
