My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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