there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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