shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
