Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
