Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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