i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
