good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
