Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
