2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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