So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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