I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
