We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I enjoy the company of your penis
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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