Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize