There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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