i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
