Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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