I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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