So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize