this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
