So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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