thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
