There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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