she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
