see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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