i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
