True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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