I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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