The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
