Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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