Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
