dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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