did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
