Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
