i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
