sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We were destined to go to rehab together
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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