I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm bleeding and have questions
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
