We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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