I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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