I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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