dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize