Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
