The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
