If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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