He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
