That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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