you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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