I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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