I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
