You just made me feel so damn special
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
